Buckle up friends, this page long (a friend printed it and it was more than fifteen pages) but I hope really helpful for you. Your agency, or your social worker might not require you to read these (books, articles, links, scroll down, you're in for a ride), but in my very humble non-expert opinion, they should. I am going to discuss in detail Ethiopian adoption, important considerations when choosing an agency, ethical concerns, and also touch on Ugandan and DRC adoption, special needs, trauma, attachment, race, etc. Scroll down if you are looking for something specific.
BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS
We have benefited greatly from all the reading on this page, and encourage you to dig in.
This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it is my "Best Of" list for adoption literature for parenting kids from "hard places" i.e., loss, grief, malnutrition, neglect, institutional care, foster care, abuse, sickness, and from races and cultures other than yourself, etc. I own many of these and refer to them regularly.*Books are affiliate and goodreads links
The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Dr Karyn Purvis
Bryan Post DVD Workshop (the best training we received and we still quote and use these DVDs several years into our parenting. I think this is essential, honestly. If your agency doesn't require this training, at very least, read the following book by Bryan Post)
Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children with Severe Behaviors Volumes 1 & 2
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing
Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents
The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder, Revised Edition
The Adoptive and Foster Parent Guide: How to Heal Your Child's Trauma and Loss
The two following websites have great resources for helping families with kids who've experienced trauma, or are having a hard time attaching, acting out, and the family is struggling. Forever Families and fantastic series of videos like What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know « Empowered To Connect at Empowered to Connect I personally think everyone should these resources in their back pocket whether they build their family through adoption domestically or internationally or through foster care.
More good reads about race and adoption
My Father's Daughter by Hannah Pool
Lucky Girl by Mei-Ling Hopgood
"Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?": A Psychologist Explains the Development of Racial Identity
I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World
Finding Fernanda (a book about how children were trafficked from Guatemala and why the country eventually shut down to adoptions. Sobering and an fascinating read for anyone looking into Int'l adoption.
ETHIOPIAN ADOPTION AND ETHICS. WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?
Please know ethics in Ethiopian adoption are shaky. No. They are a bit of a nightmare. They have always been, but more stories and specific information about fraud in adoption are coming out every month. They reports are numerous. I personally know several families who's children should not have been adopted. They are not "scare tactics." Please be aware that your agency will likely not tell you that there is at least a 50% chance your child's "story" is not what is written in your referral paperwork. We, and many of our friends have found out after our children are home that we were told lies about their child's history. Sad, sometimes horrible, lies. (Please, click on all the links to read.)
We find out when we adopt older children who refute the paperwork and point out the mistruths. They remember, they know what happened, once they know enough English they reveal the truth. Some kids know they were coerced, and that the adults at play lied on paper about the situation. Others of us find out the truth because we hire investigators to go to towns, villages with info about our kids and what we find opens Pandora's Box. "Abandoned" children have parents who weep at the photos of their taken children. Children who's parents are "deceased" have birth family come forward and admit that is simply not the case, "See here is So and So's mother, right here." Sometimes "Finders" of abandoned children turn out to be brokers, people who aren't "finders" in that they happened upon a baby and called the police, but rather, "finders" who get paid to get babies from families who can then be adopted to families who want a baby as young as possible, not knowing they are feeding a corrupt system. Here is an Ethiopian who admits he was paid as a recruiter for an adoption agency to coerce kids away from families. I would guess a majority, greater than 50% of orphanages have people who to this. I will discuss these independent investigations later on this page.
LIES, "ORPHANS" AND ETHIOPIAN BIRTH FAMILIES
The lies in paperwork are not always told by the agency, but sometimes they are. Lies are also told by birth families, police, orphanage workers, village officials, neighbors and traffickers. Not all children adopted from Ethiopia are without parents. Most, in my experience, have at least one parent alive, many both. So, I think it's a great idea for people who want to adopt from Ethiopia to drop the "orphan" word, because a great many of the children who need a second adoptive family would probably not enjoy being called orphans since they have parents. I know my kids don't like the word. These children have siblings, grandparents, aunts cousins. Real families who care about their children. Many in the Ethiopian adoption community believe it is our obligation to our children to find out the truth about their past, how they got to the orphanage, how their family is doing, and open up lines of communication with the family. It is incredibly difficult due to language and cultural barriers, and not without cost.
If you want to avoid domestic adoption because you don't want to "deal with birth families" as I heard some say once when we were both looking into adoption; if you want a "cut and dry" adoption experience, Ethiopia is not be the country for you. A friend of mine explains why this is important to understand.
There are many families in dire need of support in Ethiopia, and instead of getting support they are solicited and encouraged to give up their children to orphanages and care centers some of whom do not tell the parents the children will be adopted outside of Ethiopia, gone forever. I am only scratching the surface of why ethics in adoption are important and what it means to have ethical adoptions.
There are many American and European parents wanting to raise healthy babies and Ethiopia and/or American and European agencies working there are manufacturing some of them. There are many in Ethiopia and America who profit from adoption, directly and indirectly. There is a lot of money in this business. This does not always bode well for poor, at risk, under-educated, underfed families in Ethiopia. This means kids are coerced from families. The US Embassy in Ethiopia has confirmed in a statement in May of 2012 that they are finding first families are still being lied to about what adoption means. They are being told their children are going to school and are coming back. They are told they will return. Someone, in the chain of adoption, is lying to families to get them to give up their children for well-meaning Americans and Europeans who want to parent children who need a family. There is some major fraud happening.
More ethical thoughts about when I visited the orphanage where my own child started his adoption journey. It was a horrible experience.
More guidance and musings about what it means when an agency is no longer allowed to work in Ethiopia and why we should care.
ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR SHORT WAIT TIMES FOR A BABY?
So you want a baby 0-6 months quickly? Wait times in Ethiopia have slowed down for a reason. It is because there are less infants and children that are legally available for adoption. Even more importantly, it means judges and social workers are doing a slightly better job of looking into children's pasts and paperwork and stories, trying to make sure things are accurate, and that the birth families know what is going on and want them to be adopted. But that doesn't even solve all the problems. They are trying to stamp out the fraud and the coercion that has been going on for the past nine years or so. It is not perfect, but they are trying. This means process takes longer, and it means there are less referrals by agencies.
Long wait times are frustrating. Ethiopia's wait times have tripled in the last two years. And this is good, for the most part. If you are seeking an agency working in Ethiopia that offers "healthy infants and short wait times" I beg you to revisit your priorities. If you find an agency that promises healthy infants referrals in 2-6 months you should run screaming. I don't care how many people you find online that say "We used them and they are wonderful." I am sure they are nice. I guarantee it. But I also guarantee the folks they are working with in Ethiopia who are delivering up babies fast, on demand like that, are on illegal and immoral ground. Period. Any family working with an agency like this is blinded and not willing to see the truth. That it is very possible their child should not have ever left his or her family.
When every reputable agency in Ethiopia has 1) stopped taking applications for new families all together or 2) has wait times of 24-30 months for young children or 3) has fast referrals only for waiting children who are older (age 2, is not older. Ages 4-14 constitute "older") or have special medical needs, this should tell everyone that an agency with significantly shorter wait times for healthy newborns is a "red flag". They are not special, or have tapped into some new area of Ethiopia that grows babies faster who happen to have no paperwork and all of them are abandoned. I recently heard an agency who promises infants quickly told a prospective family "It's because we are a small agency, we don't have as many families in line." This is simply not true. I have heard that before, from our first agency. And I believed that lie at the time, too.
No, an agency who is giving quick baby referrals, even two unrelated babies (another big red flag) this agency is simply working with scary, lying, baby-stealing people in Ethiopia. They may know it and lie, or not know it and be in denial. I don't know how to be more clear about this. Please, do not be duped. Know the truth. And please read this.
WHAT IF WE FEEL GOD CALLED US TO ADOPT?
Then go straight here, and hoo mama, there are some really important points in the comments section as well. A really great post about Christians and adoption.
ARE BABIES LESS LIKELY TO HAVE PROBLEMS THAN OLDER KIDS?
Let's talk about adopting babies and special needs. Our son was only in an orphanage for six months. He came home when he was very young, seven months old. He is not unscathed from his experiences with trauma and neglect. He is scarred. We see four different therapists a week to help him deal with sensory integration issues, behavioral and attachment issues and PTSD. That's right: at age two our son has needed four visits a week with trained therapists to help him deal with his challenges and to teach us, his parents how to help him better.
Please do not go into adoption thinking "We only want a baby because they haven't experienced any issues yet and thus will be easier." It is foolish to make any kind of assumption about how the stress of their first few weeks and months affected their brains. Whether you plan on adopting a baby or a 12-year-old, please plan on finding a good arsenal of therapists to help you and your child heal from their losses, PTSD, grief, trauma, malnutrition, neglect. Check now if insurance will cover it. ** Fast Forward** Our son is now three. He aged out of Early Intervention and getting insurance to cover mental health and sensory and trauma and attachment related issues has taken so far months we are no where near done fighting. You might get "lucky," but a child from international adoption that does not require or benefit from multiple therapies or interventions is the exception, not the rule and it is very hard to get the right kind of help.
I personally conducted an anonymous, non-scientific study of parents who adopted from Ethiopia. 104 parents participated. 75% said their child was affected negatively (though not insurmountably) by the trauma of their adoption and experiences prior to adoption. That is not a number an agency will tell you. Of those 75%, more than 60% needed professional help for their children. Here is a non-scientific statement: A whole heck a lot of kids need help after joining their new family, some for years and years. And half of those kids with issues that needed professional help had been adopted before they were a year old. None of these parents regretted their adoption or didn't love their children. This is in NO WAY an attempt to convince people to not adopt. I am sure other parents of children who were adopted would disagree with some of my assertions on this page. But I think these are all important factors to weigh in a decision to adopt.
In conclusion, I think it is important for people looking into adoption to understand that an "on paper" "healthy" baby or toddler can end up dealing with more challenges than a child who was adopted at an older age. In parenting, there are no guarantees. You just never know. Also worth noting, is that he came home a very easy, happy baby. He clung to us. He wanted us. He loved having parents and was clearly thrilled to be out of the orphanage. But as he's gotten older, his issues are only just starting to come out. So anyone who says "We've been home three months and it's just GREAT!" I say: time is a funny thing in kids who've gone through a lot. It's like peeling an onion, lots of layers and lots of tears. Lots of joy too, but please, have the therapists numbers ready for when you need to call.
THAT WAS DEPRESSING. DON'T WORRY, GOOD NEWS
There are children with minor and major health and special needs between the ages of three and fourteen who need families and to get the heck out of institutions as soon as possible. And many of them are truly lovely humans and adoption really can be wonderful.
BACK TO REALITY
Deciding to adopt a child with medical needs or older than age four does not guarantee an ethical adoption. I have friends who on purpose, to avoid corruption, adopted two older (7+ ) children with special medical needs, both of whom had serious fraud in their paperwork. The agency withheld vital information about their past to make the children more adoptable on paper. The affects on the family have been extremely difficult.
We adopted a healthy infant on our first adoption. I love him fiercely and I am so happy he is my son. Soon after he was adopted the lid was opened wider on the corruption in Ethiopian adoption. It was sobering and we had a lot of fear about the accuracy of his paperwork after he came home. Fifteen months after he came to the US my husband went back to Ethiopia on a birth family hunt to try to understand the truth.
It was the best thing we ever did. For our son and for our peace of mind. We found out so much that was not even hinted at in his referral information. We have contact with important people in his life, and even though he doesn't remember what happened to him, now we know and can share with him and honestly, it's going to help in therapy. I share this because I would highly recommend (once again) every one who adopts from Ethiopia to plan on going back several times to search, communicate and open up channels of truth and relationships for your child.
HOW TO PICK AN AGENCY; NAMING NAMES
In 2012 we completed our second Ethiopian adoption. It wasn't easy to decide to do so, because many of our friends will not touch Ethiopian adoption with a ten-foot-pole now, due to the ethics violations out of so many of the "reputable" agencies. Just in case you are wondering what those reputable agencies are, they are WHFC, AAI, CHFS, American World, and WACAP, They are the "good ones." Period. I have neutrality about Holt, because they limit contact with birth family and threaten families who attempt to contact birth family. For this reason, I would never use them and do not recommend them.
It is important to note that all of the "good" agencies have facilitated adoptions for children with lies and corruption and missing information in their paperwork. All of them. And there are dozens and dozens of smaller agencies; some don't have license to work in Ethiopia. West Sands Adoption, Celebrate Children International, Dove Adoptions, Adoption Avenues, Tree of Life Adoption, International Family Services, All God's Children International, IAG, IAN, YWAM, Illien (who just took over for the bankrupt and finally out of business known trafficking agency Christian World Adoptions) fraught with issues and have "red flags" you may not find well documented on the internet. In addition, if your agency is not licensed to work in Ethiopia and umbrellas with another, I would highly recommend not using them. They have no business working in a country that has perilous ethics issues and not even know how to work there and haven't been approved to work there.
I know that at least four of these agencies listed in the previous paragraph continue to promise young infants fast. Some have offered gag money to families to not speak the truth about the unethical practices uncovered and experienced by the family with that agency. I know for a fact through stories of my friends (from Ethiopian adoption online support groups) that they saw such ethics violations as agency personnel in Ethiopia forge fake death certificates for children. One agency worker admitted to a friend that he bribed a relative with money, dinner, alcohol and grain someone to sign over a few children from his extended family to go into an orphanage. This is coercion This trafficking . It is not "sad." It is illegal. And many agencies work with care centers and orphanages have personnel that do this.
It is rampant and these stories are with supposedly respectable agencies.That is why working with an agency not licensed in Ethiopia is a problem: There is even more room for deniability: they don't even KNOW how things work on the ground in Ethiopia. Sometimes they have never visited the programs. They have no idea how the babies and children get from their families to the orphanage. They can't. They swallow the story on the paperwork, they don't have the personnel connections or resources to confirm the information on the paperwork. They are removed. They take your money, tell you what papers you need to sign, and have zero responsibility or accountability to the families of Ethiopia. Please, don't use umbrella agencies, the ones holding the umbrella for unlicensed agencies, or the agencies holding the umbrella. I find them both problematic.
WHY ARE FRAUD SPECIFICS FOR EACH AGENCY NOT WELL DOCUMENTED? OR, GIMME PROOF
So you want even more proof? Read here.
If a family wants to speak out, spread the word about false paperwork, or finding out their agency did stuff that isn't great, a few things happen.
1) Other people who are in the adoption process get very angry. They don't want to hear it. A family is attacked by the community it is reaching out to.
2) Families who didn't discover fraud or didn't have problems jump to the rescue of the agency, instead of listening to the family who's child has been hurt they are quick to say "Well, the agency was great for us!" not realizing that a "good adoption" doesn't make a "fraudulent adoption" go away. They don't cancel each other out. They have nothing to do with each other. That is like saying "that guy that stabbed you, didn't stab me, so he isn't all bad!" You'd never say that, but adoptive families who speak out are served up this nonsense in spades.
3) In the process of sharing their truth, they "out" their child and take away some privacy. People want the details of a trafficked or lied-about child. They want proof. They say often "If an agency were so bad, why would they still be allowed to work in Ethiopia?" The problem is families are not believed, they are offered money to go away, and many don't speak out because they feel they need to protect their children. They don't feel like they can wage a losing battle against and agency that gets so much support.
In my estimation, that is why "proof" and "stories" are hard to find about all the agencies. People are protecting their kids. But in support circles, the stories are rampant. I wish I could tell you all I've heard you might write this page, too.
BACK TO POSITIVE
I do believe there are still children there waiting for families and I love Ethiopia. For our second adoption we adopted from a list of waiting older children from AAI (Adoption Advocates International). They are not a perfect agency. I do not speak for any agency and will not recommend any to you saying "you will be fine if you use them." Ever. I will say this, one thing we appreciated about AAI was they did not discourage us from contacting and having a relationship with birth family. Agencies that want to control the communication, only use their translators to facilitate meetings are a "no go" in my book. Please remember but those who enter international adoption are already spending thousands. Spend a few hundred more, have an investigator not associated with the agency check out the details, talk to the family.
If it is an abandonment case, there will always be the name of a "finder" on the referral paperwork. Or there should be. If there is not, I would find this problematic and scream a red flag. If there is a name of a "finder", you start with that person. Half the people I know who have spoken to a "finder" discover this is actually a family member. Get the story straight. Make sure this child needs parents and not their first family, before you get sucked in too far and can't imagine walking away, even when it starts looking immoral.
Our girls that we adopted were ages 6 and 12. We did not wait 12-30 months for a referral. We chose them, and after checking out their paperwork, establishing contact with their family, the process to bring them home took several months. All in it was less than a year from accepting referral to having them join our family in the US. If you want "faster" international adoption there are ways to do it without signing with an agency promising "infants fast!"
All of the time, in Ethiopian adoption, a "fast" process *should* mean be open to adopting children that are older or who have mild to extreme medical needs.
If you are considering Ethiopian adoption, please don't give up on me: keep learning. Please read these blog posts. One about kids who really need to be adopted, and another by a family who adopted children older than they thought they would. And here is one family who found their kids' birth mother easier than they thought possible. I know very few people who investigate who find out nothing. Many people find family within hours.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATIONS AND WOULD I (AND HUBS) EVER ADOPT AGAIN?
Would we adopt from Ethiopia again? Maybe. But before accepting any referral for any child, we would conduct an independent search and make sure the paperwork is correct, that the family does in fact want their child to be adopted and understands what that means. I would want to know, through an investigator's eyes and question, if that family could be reunified. And that is, by the way, possible.
Some may ask, well, how long should a child have to rot in a care center until they don't have to go back to that family that left them there? (I am quoting a question I read on FB a few days ago from someone arguing about this ethics topic.) This little film will show you why follow up, investigations are so important.
UGANDA ADOPTION
If you are considering adopting from Uganda, be SO careful. Some of the worst ethics violations I've ever seen documented are happening in the Uganda adoption community. I know they are there because families who are "called to adopt" who write about their personal hand in the corruption on their public blogs. It's astounding what people admit to doing in public. A blog friend of mine outlines here how to keep your process on the ethical line. And here is another important blog post about what is happening that is so very bad in Ugandan adoption to explain where adoptions go south there and how to steer clear of the pitfalls.
FURTHER READING
More important and inspiring reading for adoptive and pre-adoptive parents:
What one adoptive mother wants you to know about what she wished she'd known before she adopted. Go now. Before you start signing your paperwork.
Adult adoptee/fostered children blogs worth reading:
Harlows Monkey (read and read and read. Go back into her archives. Learn from her.)
John Raible Online
I was a Foster Kid
National Council for Adoption article about Identity in Transracial parenting
My own humble writings about navigating race as a White mother to a Black child.
47 different adoptive moms write about attachment in adoption, inspired by my friend Claudia. The list of links to all the attachment blog posts. Go read them all.
Friend Claudia's post on being in the White Club
A place to learn more about children all over the world waiting for families and reading from other families about their adoption experiences and learning about children with medical and special needs. I love this site. Rainbow Kids
And of course, you can contact me scoopingitup at gmail dot com. I am far from being an expert on anything related to adoption, much of this page is just my opinion, but just maybe if you have a worry or question I can point you in one of the many right directions.
BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS
We have benefited greatly from all the reading on this page, and encourage you to dig in.
This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it is my "Best Of" list for adoption literature for parenting kids from "hard places" i.e., loss, grief, malnutrition, neglect, institutional care, foster care, abuse, sickness, and from races and cultures other than yourself, etc. I own many of these and refer to them regularly.*Books are affiliate and goodreads links
The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Dr Karyn Purvis
Bryan Post DVD Workshop (the best training we received and we still quote and use these DVDs several years into our parenting. I think this is essential, honestly. If your agency doesn't require this training, at very least, read the following book by Bryan Post)
Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children with Severe Behaviors Volumes 1 & 2
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing
Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents
The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder, Revised Edition
The Adoptive and Foster Parent Guide: How to Heal Your Child's Trauma and Loss
The two following websites have great resources for helping families with kids who've experienced trauma, or are having a hard time attaching, acting out, and the family is struggling. Forever Families and fantastic series of videos like What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know « Empowered To Connect at Empowered to Connect I personally think everyone should these resources in their back pocket whether they build their family through adoption domestically or internationally or through foster care.
More good reads about race and adoption
My Father's Daughter by Hannah Pool
Lucky Girl by Mei-Ling Hopgood
"Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?": A Psychologist Explains the Development of Racial Identity
I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World
Finding Fernanda (a book about how children were trafficked from Guatemala and why the country eventually shut down to adoptions. Sobering and an fascinating read for anyone looking into Int'l adoption.
ETHIOPIAN ADOPTION AND ETHICS. WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?
Please know ethics in Ethiopian adoption are shaky. No. They are a bit of a nightmare. They have always been, but more stories and specific information about fraud in adoption are coming out every month. They reports are numerous. I personally know several families who's children should not have been adopted. They are not "scare tactics." Please be aware that your agency will likely not tell you that there is at least a 50% chance your child's "story" is not what is written in your referral paperwork. We, and many of our friends have found out after our children are home that we were told lies about their child's history. Sad, sometimes horrible, lies. (Please, click on all the links to read.)
We find out when we adopt older children who refute the paperwork and point out the mistruths. They remember, they know what happened, once they know enough English they reveal the truth. Some kids know they were coerced, and that the adults at play lied on paper about the situation. Others of us find out the truth because we hire investigators to go to towns, villages with info about our kids and what we find opens Pandora's Box. "Abandoned" children have parents who weep at the photos of their taken children. Children who's parents are "deceased" have birth family come forward and admit that is simply not the case, "See here is So and So's mother, right here." Sometimes "Finders" of abandoned children turn out to be brokers, people who aren't "finders" in that they happened upon a baby and called the police, but rather, "finders" who get paid to get babies from families who can then be adopted to families who want a baby as young as possible, not knowing they are feeding a corrupt system. Here is an Ethiopian who admits he was paid as a recruiter for an adoption agency to coerce kids away from families. I would guess a majority, greater than 50% of orphanages have people who to this. I will discuss these independent investigations later on this page.
LIES, "ORPHANS" AND ETHIOPIAN BIRTH FAMILIES
The lies in paperwork are not always told by the agency, but sometimes they are. Lies are also told by birth families, police, orphanage workers, village officials, neighbors and traffickers. Not all children adopted from Ethiopia are without parents. Most, in my experience, have at least one parent alive, many both. So, I think it's a great idea for people who want to adopt from Ethiopia to drop the "orphan" word, because a great many of the children who need a second adoptive family would probably not enjoy being called orphans since they have parents. I know my kids don't like the word. These children have siblings, grandparents, aunts cousins. Real families who care about their children. Many in the Ethiopian adoption community believe it is our obligation to our children to find out the truth about their past, how they got to the orphanage, how their family is doing, and open up lines of communication with the family. It is incredibly difficult due to language and cultural barriers, and not without cost.
If you want to avoid domestic adoption because you don't want to "deal with birth families" as I heard some say once when we were both looking into adoption; if you want a "cut and dry" adoption experience, Ethiopia is not be the country for you. A friend of mine explains why this is important to understand.
There are many families in dire need of support in Ethiopia, and instead of getting support they are solicited and encouraged to give up their children to orphanages and care centers some of whom do not tell the parents the children will be adopted outside of Ethiopia, gone forever. I am only scratching the surface of why ethics in adoption are important and what it means to have ethical adoptions.
There are many American and European parents wanting to raise healthy babies and Ethiopia and/or American and European agencies working there are manufacturing some of them. There are many in Ethiopia and America who profit from adoption, directly and indirectly. There is a lot of money in this business. This does not always bode well for poor, at risk, under-educated, underfed families in Ethiopia. This means kids are coerced from families. The US Embassy in Ethiopia has confirmed in a statement in May of 2012 that they are finding first families are still being lied to about what adoption means. They are being told their children are going to school and are coming back. They are told they will return. Someone, in the chain of adoption, is lying to families to get them to give up their children for well-meaning Americans and Europeans who want to parent children who need a family. There is some major fraud happening.
More ethical thoughts about when I visited the orphanage where my own child started his adoption journey. It was a horrible experience.
More guidance and musings about what it means when an agency is no longer allowed to work in Ethiopia and why we should care.
WHO NEEDS ADOPTING?
Ethiopia is estimated to have one of the largest populations of “orphaned” children in the world. Statistics place that number at approximately five million (Ethiopian Ministry of Health, 2008). This number is not to be used to pull on your heart strings, and in fact, it bothers me when anyone wears a shirt about how many millions of "orphans" there are waiting to be adopted or even worse, "saved" because that five million includes both single and double orphans. This means that a large percentage of children included in this number actually have one living birth parent as I mentioned before, thus intercountry adoption might not be in their best interest, nor even appropriate to consider. In addition, the vast majority of these children are over the age of five and thus less considered less “adoptable” by those preferring an infant or toddler.
Ethiopia is estimated to have one of the largest populations of “orphaned” children in the world. Statistics place that number at approximately five million (Ethiopian Ministry of Health, 2008). This number is not to be used to pull on your heart strings, and in fact, it bothers me when anyone wears a shirt about how many millions of "orphans" there are waiting to be adopted or even worse, "saved" because that five million includes both single and double orphans. This means that a large percentage of children included in this number actually have one living birth parent as I mentioned before, thus intercountry adoption might not be in their best interest, nor even appropriate to consider. In addition, the vast majority of these children are over the age of five and thus less considered less “adoptable” by those preferring an infant or toddler.
Most children in Ethiopia who would benefit from intercountry adoption are older than five. But by far most the children adopted from Ethiopia are less than 18 months. This is not OK. This is a supply and demand problem. I personally believe there are those in the Ethiopian government who know this. They know more babies are going out to well-meaning families than should, but this poor country enjoys the massive capital it gets from adoption fees, court fees, job creation, and tourist money spent there in hotels and restaurants, not to mention the swarms of parents who come back and start NGOS and funnel money into schools, infrastructure, wells, pipelines, ya know, do their job for them. Adoption is lucrative for this country. I sometimes wonder why the government doesn't crack down on crummy adoption agencies. There are so many parents who try to file reports about fraud and ethics violations they see from their agencies, and very little seems to happen. Then I remember: it could be something as simple as it's hard to close your doors on all that money when you are a developing nation.
ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR SHORT WAIT TIMES FOR A BABY?
So you want a baby 0-6 months quickly? Wait times in Ethiopia have slowed down for a reason. It is because there are less infants and children that are legally available for adoption. Even more importantly, it means judges and social workers are doing a slightly better job of looking into children's pasts and paperwork and stories, trying to make sure things are accurate, and that the birth families know what is going on and want them to be adopted. But that doesn't even solve all the problems. They are trying to stamp out the fraud and the coercion that has been going on for the past nine years or so. It is not perfect, but they are trying. This means process takes longer, and it means there are less referrals by agencies.
Long wait times are frustrating. Ethiopia's wait times have tripled in the last two years. And this is good, for the most part. If you are seeking an agency working in Ethiopia that offers "healthy infants and short wait times" I beg you to revisit your priorities. If you find an agency that promises healthy infants referrals in 2-6 months you should run screaming. I don't care how many people you find online that say "We used them and they are wonderful." I am sure they are nice. I guarantee it. But I also guarantee the folks they are working with in Ethiopia who are delivering up babies fast, on demand like that, are on illegal and immoral ground. Period. Any family working with an agency like this is blinded and not willing to see the truth. That it is very possible their child should not have ever left his or her family.
When every reputable agency in Ethiopia has 1) stopped taking applications for new families all together or 2) has wait times of 24-30 months for young children or 3) has fast referrals only for waiting children who are older (age 2, is not older. Ages 4-14 constitute "older") or have special medical needs, this should tell everyone that an agency with significantly shorter wait times for healthy newborns is a "red flag". They are not special, or have tapped into some new area of Ethiopia that grows babies faster who happen to have no paperwork and all of them are abandoned. I recently heard an agency who promises infants quickly told a prospective family "It's because we are a small agency, we don't have as many families in line." This is simply not true. I have heard that before, from our first agency. And I believed that lie at the time, too.
No, an agency who is giving quick baby referrals, even two unrelated babies (another big red flag) this agency is simply working with scary, lying, baby-stealing people in Ethiopia. They may know it and lie, or not know it and be in denial. I don't know how to be more clear about this. Please, do not be duped. Know the truth. And please read this.
WHAT IF WE FEEL GOD CALLED US TO ADOPT?
Then go straight here, and hoo mama, there are some really important points in the comments section as well. A really great post about Christians and adoption.
ARE BABIES LESS LIKELY TO HAVE PROBLEMS THAN OLDER KIDS?
Let's talk about adopting babies and special needs. Our son was only in an orphanage for six months. He came home when he was very young, seven months old. He is not unscathed from his experiences with trauma and neglect. He is scarred. We see four different therapists a week to help him deal with sensory integration issues, behavioral and attachment issues and PTSD. That's right: at age two our son has needed four visits a week with trained therapists to help him deal with his challenges and to teach us, his parents how to help him better.
Please do not go into adoption thinking "We only want a baby because they haven't experienced any issues yet and thus will be easier." It is foolish to make any kind of assumption about how the stress of their first few weeks and months affected their brains. Whether you plan on adopting a baby or a 12-year-old, please plan on finding a good arsenal of therapists to help you and your child heal from their losses, PTSD, grief, trauma, malnutrition, neglect. Check now if insurance will cover it. ** Fast Forward** Our son is now three. He aged out of Early Intervention and getting insurance to cover mental health and sensory and trauma and attachment related issues has taken so far months we are no where near done fighting. You might get "lucky," but a child from international adoption that does not require or benefit from multiple therapies or interventions is the exception, not the rule and it is very hard to get the right kind of help.
I personally conducted an anonymous, non-scientific study of parents who adopted from Ethiopia. 104 parents participated. 75% said their child was affected negatively (though not insurmountably) by the trauma of their adoption and experiences prior to adoption. That is not a number an agency will tell you. Of those 75%, more than 60% needed professional help for their children. Here is a non-scientific statement: A whole heck a lot of kids need help after joining their new family, some for years and years. And half of those kids with issues that needed professional help had been adopted before they were a year old. None of these parents regretted their adoption or didn't love their children. This is in NO WAY an attempt to convince people to not adopt. I am sure other parents of children who were adopted would disagree with some of my assertions on this page. But I think these are all important factors to weigh in a decision to adopt.
In conclusion, I think it is important for people looking into adoption to understand that an "on paper" "healthy" baby or toddler can end up dealing with more challenges than a child who was adopted at an older age. In parenting, there are no guarantees. You just never know. Also worth noting, is that he came home a very easy, happy baby. He clung to us. He wanted us. He loved having parents and was clearly thrilled to be out of the orphanage. But as he's gotten older, his issues are only just starting to come out. So anyone who says "We've been home three months and it's just GREAT!" I say: time is a funny thing in kids who've gone through a lot. It's like peeling an onion, lots of layers and lots of tears. Lots of joy too, but please, have the therapists numbers ready for when you need to call.
THAT WAS DEPRESSING. DON'T WORRY, GOOD NEWS
There are children with minor and major health and special needs between the ages of three and fourteen who need families and to get the heck out of institutions as soon as possible. And many of them are truly lovely humans and adoption really can be wonderful.
BACK TO REALITY
Deciding to adopt a child with medical needs or older than age four does not guarantee an ethical adoption. I have friends who on purpose, to avoid corruption, adopted two older (7+ ) children with special medical needs, both of whom had serious fraud in their paperwork. The agency withheld vital information about their past to make the children more adoptable on paper. The affects on the family have been extremely difficult.
We adopted a healthy infant on our first adoption. I love him fiercely and I am so happy he is my son. Soon after he was adopted the lid was opened wider on the corruption in Ethiopian adoption. It was sobering and we had a lot of fear about the accuracy of his paperwork after he came home. Fifteen months after he came to the US my husband went back to Ethiopia on a birth family hunt to try to understand the truth.
It was the best thing we ever did. For our son and for our peace of mind. We found out so much that was not even hinted at in his referral information. We have contact with important people in his life, and even though he doesn't remember what happened to him, now we know and can share with him and honestly, it's going to help in therapy. I share this because I would highly recommend (once again) every one who adopts from Ethiopia to plan on going back several times to search, communicate and open up channels of truth and relationships for your child.
HOW TO PICK AN AGENCY; NAMING NAMES
In 2012 we completed our second Ethiopian adoption. It wasn't easy to decide to do so, because many of our friends will not touch Ethiopian adoption with a ten-foot-pole now, due to the ethics violations out of so many of the "reputable" agencies. Just in case you are wondering what those reputable agencies are, they are WHFC, AAI, CHFS, American World, and WACAP, They are the "good ones." Period. I have neutrality about Holt, because they limit contact with birth family and threaten families who attempt to contact birth family. For this reason, I would never use them and do not recommend them.
It is important to note that all of the "good" agencies have facilitated adoptions for children with lies and corruption and missing information in their paperwork. All of them. And there are dozens and dozens of smaller agencies; some don't have license to work in Ethiopia. West Sands Adoption, Celebrate Children International, Dove Adoptions, Adoption Avenues, Tree of Life Adoption, International Family Services, All God's Children International, IAG, IAN, YWAM, Illien (who just took over for the bankrupt and finally out of business known trafficking agency Christian World Adoptions) fraught with issues and have "red flags" you may not find well documented on the internet. In addition, if your agency is not licensed to work in Ethiopia and umbrellas with another, I would highly recommend not using them. They have no business working in a country that has perilous ethics issues and not even know how to work there and haven't been approved to work there.
I know that at least four of these agencies listed in the previous paragraph continue to promise young infants fast. Some have offered gag money to families to not speak the truth about the unethical practices uncovered and experienced by the family with that agency. I know for a fact through stories of my friends (from Ethiopian adoption online support groups) that they saw such ethics violations as agency personnel in Ethiopia forge fake death certificates for children. One agency worker admitted to a friend that he bribed a relative with money, dinner, alcohol and grain someone to sign over a few children from his extended family to go into an orphanage. This is coercion This trafficking . It is not "sad." It is illegal. And many agencies work with care centers and orphanages have personnel that do this.
It is rampant and these stories are with supposedly respectable agencies.That is why working with an agency not licensed in Ethiopia is a problem: There is even more room for deniability: they don't even KNOW how things work on the ground in Ethiopia. Sometimes they have never visited the programs. They have no idea how the babies and children get from their families to the orphanage. They can't. They swallow the story on the paperwork, they don't have the personnel connections or resources to confirm the information on the paperwork. They are removed. They take your money, tell you what papers you need to sign, and have zero responsibility or accountability to the families of Ethiopia. Please, don't use umbrella agencies, the ones holding the umbrella for unlicensed agencies, or the agencies holding the umbrella. I find them both problematic.
WHY ARE FRAUD SPECIFICS FOR EACH AGENCY NOT WELL DOCUMENTED? OR, GIMME PROOF
So you want even more proof? Read here.
If a family wants to speak out, spread the word about false paperwork, or finding out their agency did stuff that isn't great, a few things happen.
1) Other people who are in the adoption process get very angry. They don't want to hear it. A family is attacked by the community it is reaching out to.
2) Families who didn't discover fraud or didn't have problems jump to the rescue of the agency, instead of listening to the family who's child has been hurt they are quick to say "Well, the agency was great for us!" not realizing that a "good adoption" doesn't make a "fraudulent adoption" go away. They don't cancel each other out. They have nothing to do with each other. That is like saying "that guy that stabbed you, didn't stab me, so he isn't all bad!" You'd never say that, but adoptive families who speak out are served up this nonsense in spades.
3) In the process of sharing their truth, they "out" their child and take away some privacy. People want the details of a trafficked or lied-about child. They want proof. They say often "If an agency were so bad, why would they still be allowed to work in Ethiopia?" The problem is families are not believed, they are offered money to go away, and many don't speak out because they feel they need to protect their children. They don't feel like they can wage a losing battle against and agency that gets so much support.
In my estimation, that is why "proof" and "stories" are hard to find about all the agencies. People are protecting their kids. But in support circles, the stories are rampant. I wish I could tell you all I've heard you might write this page, too.
BACK TO POSITIVE
I do believe there are still children there waiting for families and I love Ethiopia. For our second adoption we adopted from a list of waiting older children from AAI (Adoption Advocates International). They are not a perfect agency. I do not speak for any agency and will not recommend any to you saying "you will be fine if you use them." Ever. I will say this, one thing we appreciated about AAI was they did not discourage us from contacting and having a relationship with birth family. Agencies that want to control the communication, only use their translators to facilitate meetings are a "no go" in my book. Please remember but those who enter international adoption are already spending thousands. Spend a few hundred more, have an investigator not associated with the agency check out the details, talk to the family.
If it is an abandonment case, there will always be the name of a "finder" on the referral paperwork. Or there should be. If there is not, I would find this problematic and scream a red flag. If there is a name of a "finder", you start with that person. Half the people I know who have spoken to a "finder" discover this is actually a family member. Get the story straight. Make sure this child needs parents and not their first family, before you get sucked in too far and can't imagine walking away, even when it starts looking immoral.
Our girls that we adopted were ages 6 and 12. We did not wait 12-30 months for a referral. We chose them, and after checking out their paperwork, establishing contact with their family, the process to bring them home took several months. All in it was less than a year from accepting referral to having them join our family in the US. If you want "faster" international adoption there are ways to do it without signing with an agency promising "infants fast!"
All of the time, in Ethiopian adoption, a "fast" process *should* mean be open to adopting children that are older or who have mild to extreme medical needs.
If you are considering Ethiopian adoption, please don't give up on me: keep learning. Please read these blog posts. One about kids who really need to be adopted, and another by a family who adopted children older than they thought they would. And here is one family who found their kids' birth mother easier than they thought possible. I know very few people who investigate who find out nothing. Many people find family within hours.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATIONS AND WOULD I (AND HUBS) EVER ADOPT AGAIN?
Would we adopt from Ethiopia again? Maybe. But before accepting any referral for any child, we would conduct an independent search and make sure the paperwork is correct, that the family does in fact want their child to be adopted and understands what that means. I would want to know, through an investigator's eyes and question, if that family could be reunified. And that is, by the way, possible.
Some may ask, well, how long should a child have to rot in a care center until they don't have to go back to that family that left them there? (I am quoting a question I read on FB a few days ago from someone arguing about this ethics topic.) This little film will show you why follow up, investigations are so important.
What is lovely about this video, this situation is that the little boy being reunited with his father could have had a different story. One where the women in that orphanage said "Ya know what, he is better off with a wealthy, educated family in the west. They can give him more. He is better off..." I love that they knew he was better off with a father that loved him and wanted him. Not wealthy, not a life you or I know or might feel comfortable jumping into, but loved by his dad.
It is my opinion that these independent investigations perhaps should happen before a referral is accepted. This isn't always possible I know, and it sounds crazy. And this is a new idea in international adoption: the concept that one should never ever take what the agency says is a child's story at face value. This also means not falling in love when you see the picture on the screen from a referral. It means not falling into convulsions saying "That's my baby!" Instead, it could mean, "OK, they say this kiddo needs a Mom and Dad. Let's find out if that is true." Some agencies will tell you this kind of investigation is not allowed. I am here to suggest perhaps you don't need to ask them their permission. Agencies have nothing to lose and everything to gain by telling families they cannot contact birth family through an independent investigation. It is important to note, I do NOT suggest that prospective second families should have direct contact with a birth family at this juncture. I do think a discreet private investigation is possible wherein it can be ascertained that the "finder" is who they say they are, or whether or not they actually know the family (many do!) or that the family understands where the child is, and find out of the referral information is true, if they understand what adoption means (more on this confusing point later, as well).
This is ground breaking stuff, this idea of investigating the ethical nature of the proposed adoption before going down the road of court and Embassy appointments. Yes, agencies should be doing these investigations themselves. But for many children, it's not happening the way it should, in my opinion. If you want something done, sometimes you have to do it yourself, and it is possible.
It is my opinion that these independent investigations perhaps should happen before a referral is accepted. This isn't always possible I know, and it sounds crazy. And this is a new idea in international adoption: the concept that one should never ever take what the agency says is a child's story at face value. This also means not falling in love when you see the picture on the screen from a referral. It means not falling into convulsions saying "That's my baby!" Instead, it could mean, "OK, they say this kiddo needs a Mom and Dad. Let's find out if that is true." Some agencies will tell you this kind of investigation is not allowed. I am here to suggest perhaps you don't need to ask them their permission. Agencies have nothing to lose and everything to gain by telling families they cannot contact birth family through an independent investigation. It is important to note, I do NOT suggest that prospective second families should have direct contact with a birth family at this juncture. I do think a discreet private investigation is possible wherein it can be ascertained that the "finder" is who they say they are, or whether or not they actually know the family (many do!) or that the family understands where the child is, and find out of the referral information is true, if they understand what adoption means (more on this confusing point later, as well).
This is ground breaking stuff, this idea of investigating the ethical nature of the proposed adoption before going down the road of court and Embassy appointments. Yes, agencies should be doing these investigations themselves. But for many children, it's not happening the way it should, in my opinion. If you want something done, sometimes you have to do it yourself, and it is possible.
ADOPTION FROM DRC (CONGO)
If you are considering adopting from the DRC, please read this blog extensively. She outlines in detail the problems with corruption from the Congo and tips on how to avoid them. She is your best friend if you do not want a trafficked child from the Congo.Many many many children from Congo should not be adopted. I would not adopt from here, but if you choose to do so, please go read that blog. She can help you navigate a highly corrupt country and adoption situation.UGANDA ADOPTION
If you are considering adopting from Uganda, be SO careful. Some of the worst ethics violations I've ever seen documented are happening in the Uganda adoption community. I know they are there because families who are "called to adopt" who write about their personal hand in the corruption on their public blogs. It's astounding what people admit to doing in public. A blog friend of mine outlines here how to keep your process on the ethical line. And here is another important blog post about what is happening that is so very bad in Ugandan adoption to explain where adoptions go south there and how to steer clear of the pitfalls.
FURTHER READING
More important and inspiring reading for adoptive and pre-adoptive parents:
What one adoptive mother wants you to know about what she wished she'd known before she adopted. Go now. Before you start signing your paperwork.
Adult adoptee/fostered children blogs worth reading:
Harlows Monkey (read and read and read. Go back into her archives. Learn from her.)
John Raible Online
I was a Foster Kid
National Council for Adoption article about Identity in Transracial parenting
My own humble writings about navigating race as a White mother to a Black child.
47 different adoptive moms write about attachment in adoption, inspired by my friend Claudia. The list of links to all the attachment blog posts. Go read them all.
Friend Claudia's post on being in the White Club
A place to learn more about children all over the world waiting for families and reading from other families about their adoption experiences and learning about children with medical and special needs. I love this site. Rainbow Kids
And of course, you can contact me scoopingitup at gmail dot com. I am far from being an expert on anything related to adoption, much of this page is just my opinion, but just maybe if you have a worry or question I can point you in one of the many right directions.
